I'm back in another year. 

This blog I will open when I'm at my lowest point of myself ...

and.... 

I'm here today.

I will get married soon to the same person. 

Am I ready?

Am I ready to sacrifice my life for him?

What happened next? I don't have any plans for this. Honestly, yes.

This marriage is the start of me living alone. 

FREEDOM

Yeah, to get out of here.

The room, the house. That gives a lot of traumatic memories.

I can see myself crying over the bed 

I can even see my other me doing stupid things in this house

A lot of not recovery pain is stuck here

and tell me how will I cure depression, illusion, and overthinking?

I just think marriage is only the way I can get out of here and try to heal myself. 

I hope. 

and

this is the only dream that I have now.

I wish my dream come true.

How about him?

Actually, I don't put high hope on this marriage...

but, deep inside of me, maybe, the rainbow will come out at very last soon?

we don't know. Let's just hope but I don't really hope it as I'm still alive and I the problem. 

so, nothing change I guess. 

I really want to die.

when at the lowest point, don't want to talk, here I am. 

got a job (almost 5 months of working), but still depressed even I love my work.

idk how to be happy... in fact, it's awkward for me to be happy... idk

just idk.

I love seeing people buy stuff for themself, like appreciate and self-love kind of post...

I want too.. but, I don't deserve that... like "why should i, no one loves me, so why should I love myself ?"

try to do something for me, but I'm too lazy and think it's not appropriate to do for myself...

my boyfriend? I think he hates me so much hahahahaha

yeah, he hates me...

when can I get out from this house and living alone....

I'm too broke to live alone......

like i really wanna get out and disappear 

i don't want to have anyone in my life...

can i just die ?

i don't afraid to die, I'm afraid to live....