My world slightly become darker. I'm destroyed myself. This life is not my life. The inside me is not me. Everyday my thought is to kill myself. Everyday i wish i die immediately. i cant live in this life. 

My only friends in university has shown his own color. she left me. then now, i totally alone. ALONE. no friends. no talk. from extrovert to introvert. what a change of me. Because of you, i'm afraid of everything now. i'm scared to trust people. i'm scared of people. i'm scared when i in crowd situation. are you happy for turn me into this ? i know before u are totally not sincere when u are friend with me. yeah.. because im to bored maybe... actually, u force yourself because of u feel sorry for me. i thought u are ok with me. but, for the whole year, u lie. u lie to me. im cry, cry, cry and CRY. u made me suffer. I HATE YOU!!!! so... from what i said before... it comes true... i know this thing will happen. i cant force people to stay. so... here i am... become a real depression patient. 

to my boyfriend... why are you still stay with me ? why are you still willing to handle me ? why are u still love me ? why are u force yourself to see me in this suffer.... why ? i know u are not happy with me... all the time is u see me in depression... i try to kill myself so many time... but u stopped me.. why ? just let me die... i know u also dont want to see me like this again and again... so please... dont stop me... just let me die.... i cant do this anymore. i suffer for having this life... 

its not easy to change. to deal with my own mind... is the worst thing ever to deal. im totally loose with this. my life will never be the same anymore. im suffer.... all the scar.... remain... my hand... feel like there is no place for i scratch it... same goes to my leg... the new scar... on my stomach... now, when something triggered me, i try to stab my stomach... have 2 scar already ... many more to come... why i still alive... so many suicide attempt but still... right now... im breadth.... 

my bff during school, turn her back.. not me in her first place... i know... she would never try to approach me since she know what the problem i have now... say to me... who want to friend with a depression people ? WHO ??? hahahaha this hilarious!!! so... that why i never touching when all my school friends turn their back.... i know who i am... im mental illness... im crazy... sape je nak kawan dengan orang gila kan ? i think my boyfriend is crazy too because he still with me. 

but... deep inside in me... i realize... for what i have done before... but.. the pain... it's so sick.. i cant handle it... 

my boyfriend said... he willing to use his own money to pay my counseling class... my treatment and so on... but.. we still study... so its too expensive for me...lagipun... if i have medical letter about my mental illness... confirm any company will refuse to have a worker like me.... haha so pathetic of me...

at this state.. im still alive....